he was a brunette

last night i finally meet you
you have that light blue eyes
that sparkles in the gloomy night
and we don't have to be in different realms
just right next to each other
i remembered you holding my hand
escaping me from the darkness
with your fingers intertwined with mine
and you leaning towards and me leaning in
your kisses dropping on my face ,my lips
that's the moment i want to capture forever
right there.right now.
have you ever have that single one kiss
that you leave all your expectations behind
and suspended every tenses and pronouns
all that matters was right that moment


and when you talk about the future
you want to tell him everything and anything
and he wants to know everything
and he wants to stay with you
despite all the ugly circumstances
he wants you too
all you have to do is to be in his arms
you need not anything
no more
as if you were at home
as if time didn't matter
doesn't matter
all that's matter
is that pair of reassuring blue eyes

and there's when u know
u miss a skip of heartbeat
u feel a tug in your stomach
you smile to yourself
it's real
he wants you
always and forever
it'll be you

but it is never the right time
or the right place
the right moment
we could have been
we should have been
there shouldn't be any what ifs
i know it sounds cliche
made up
i know it makes me feel like a foolish little child
who has never experienced loss
always been swayed away by empty sweet promises
but i couldn't see myself without you
i cant
i remembered the first time we met
the first time we spoke,touched
i never felt that way about anyone
the way i feel about you

i will always remember the mornings after
the fresh crisp white sheets, promises, blue and pink ribbons
and your whisperers of sweet nothingness
i remembered going to sleep with you beside
resting my eyes and reaching towards you
and you would envelop me to sleep
i hated waking up in the middle of night
cause that's when you are gone
and that's when i started thinking about you
rehearsing our conversations in my head

i missed you
i miss you
if i've fallen in love with you
would you understand me
and stay till the morning beside me

it was darker than december

it was that sorta dream again
you offered sweet nothingness
whispered of ardor and promises
entangled with the whitest pearls
but i refused to believe
i was scared
scared to fall into the same old fairy tale
once again
you offered reassurance and penance
i pushed them away
blinded by depression and lost faith
i was afraid
i lost belief in you
you were always up above the pedestal
i never see myself as a tiny part of it
this time you did not offer any justification,reasons
you painted me in the darkest black
left stranded in the empty school alley
disappeared in the midst of black smoke

if i accepted, i know you'd stay
if i could do it all over again, i would
you meant something, you are always something
life never really moves on
aroused by the same dream again

make me juliet and you can be romeo

flipping through the box of memories
and it make me realized
when i repeat those words
it loss its meaning, significance
it sounds like cliches
something quoted off cinderella
something only happen in the neverland
growing up,life was stable
and i've always preferred stability
indecisiveness pisses me off

but as i grow
flexibility is something i adapted to
full bloomed roses with red wine petals
will tend to loss their youth one day
snowflakes that glitter in the night
will melt along with the firstborn sun rays
marriages can be broken
so are friendships sworn on blood
plans that seems so certain
which consists you,me,him and her
can be just me and you one day
i don't know
but right now i'm just really happy with my life right now
despite clinches are short term
neverland never exist
somehow,everything still fall in place
i'm contended with what i have and do not have now
in fact, is the first time i stop worrying
how people think of me
bygones turns into ashes
and gone along with the wind

maybe i've found my inner peace

i no longer exist in your fairy tales

obviously it's over
gone and done with it
i should have known it earlier
the denial should wear off now
and kicks in the gravity
whenever you mention her
it gives me constant reminder
of the mistake i made
i wanted to let go
because that's the only way it goes now really
as cliche as it sounds
you can never find happiness in a triangle
i know i deserve better
i shouldn't hang around any longer
and no longer indulge in my delusions
i realize i am no longer the angel you called
the girl you made long frequent phone calls to on a random day
the girl you promise you will stand by always
i refused to let go
because i believe is not what you deserve
but what you really want
however,it is easier to dilute all the memories with bacardi
and a few bottles of wine
it makes it easier to pretend
that things would revert back to fairy tales and pink soft cotton candy
where i was the only princess in your happily ever after kingdom

no one died and make you king in andalasia

i make no apologies for the way i painted you
you don't get to call me a depressing unsexy bitch
how could you call me amazing and walk away
how could you claim to like me and stand by me always
but walk straight to her of all people
and abandon this what you used to claim as happy ending

four years i've given you
four years to build it all up
four wasted years and thrown away days
and you left just like the way you came in
unexpected, contented,changing
you should have known better than to choose her

you wanted answers,honesty,closure
but i always believe in never telling and that when you finally realize the truth that lies beneath
it will set the both of us free from all the bullshit you labeled it
i've always wanted to tell you the ramifications and how hurt i am
and give you all the answers and justifications you always wanted
but i'm afraid you wouldn't understand and forgive me
as i'm no longer the angel you called

i tried to be happy for you
for you, for her
but all that was left for me was a cliche and a basketful of truth and reality that i never asked for
i wanted a definite end now.right now
and i won't apologize for the way i treated you

i was told happiness is a choice
and i'm taking this choice now
i'm trying to be happy again

pointing fingers to blame

flipping over old photographs
memories tinted in my mind
believe me
i want to shove them into that box
lock it up
i want to pretend,to forget
i want forever in a few moments
but if there's one thing you taught me
is all ephemeral
transient
be scared of trusting,wanting and sweet words
cause they all just equate to just words
be scared of relationships
cause nothing last forever
there will always be the one who got away
there will always be the one who got forgotten
the one who's still able to reel you
no matter how far you think you've moved on
the one who shits about you a dozen times
but forgiven in a single apology
the person who circumstances work against
no matter how hard you try to circumvent them
the friend you have to let go
no matter how many forevers you have written
the lover you kiss
despite knowing you are every variation of stupidity
as i grow
i learn that not everyone moves in the same direction
as i do
and as much it hurt and pained me
as much i wish it weren't the case
i have to accept it


i will just stay strong
very strong
and not breakdown

wtf

someone gimme a back door

i'm never the girl who has it all,
the label,the right circle,the clinch,the looks
with you, i finally have it

i carefully torn down the walls i built around
and built you up
putting you high up
on an unreasonable high pedestal
you never belonged

i've been building this for too long
so much so that taking it down
is like breaking a habit

but down you go now
cause you starting to wear me down
the setting of meet-ups
the renewal of our relationship
it never seems to work
i refuse to indulge my vices
over someone like you

i wanna write about epics
i don't wanna write about
ifs' and maybes'
i wish i could disintegrate this all
in a pronoun